Updated: Jul 11
Where do I even start?
OH, I know.
I had just graduated from high school.
I had been accepted into UNCW, but deferred until the spring unlike everyone else I knew who was headed to college that fall. Instead of pouting about it, (there was definitely some pouting in there somewhere) I made a plan to spend my fall in Texas taking community college classes. I found a way to stay positive, and my aunt helped me find a gym and a job at her church. Everything was fine until I started feeling kind of "sick". I started feeling sad? Weird? Sleepy.
I went through a lot of change. I started feeling moments of dread every day. I had panic attacks that felt like someone had scared me and that feeling of adrenaline lasted for hours on end. I went to see a psychiatrist and he told me it had nothing to do with how strong my faith was, but how my body is biologically made. Praise the Lord. Literally. I started on a low dose of medication and eventually transitioned off of it. We decided I should only use the medicine seasonally and not rely on it.
Life felt normal but again, I faced change. I moved to the middle of the state for a job. I left my community, friends, and life at the beach and began "adulting". Due to the enormous amount of change, I started seeing a therapist again. I quickly realized therapy was not all I needed and I needed to see a psychiatrist. My first psychiatrist was a a pretty blunt fellow. There was no talk about Jesus or a how's your day? It was "Do you feel crazy?", "Don't get pregnant on my medicine", or "Are you bipolar?". I started on a new medicine that worked well for a while but eventually made me feel like a zombie.
Change strikes again. A hard relationship. I spill my ice cream on the floor. Panic attacks. I go to see my psychiatrist but the changes we make don't help. At one point during my searching, I remember having a conversation with my dad. He said to me, after a tearful conversation (on my part obviously), life is only going to get harder Ev, how are you going to deal with it.
Bam. How's that for a reality check?
I sat in my car and racked my brain.
My psychiatrist passes away. I get reassigned and right before they place me with someone I ask "Do you have any Christian counselors?". The receptionist says yes and I go to meet with the sweetest lady in the world. Although I can not say my anxiety and depression is cured, I can say I feel a lot better and feel armed with the right doctor, friends, and action plans needed to keep working my way through life.
Now hear me out. The hard moments I mentioned are small seasons of my life. My life has been amazing and filled with so much love and support. What I want to call out is: anxiety and depression are a part of my life. It has, and will forever, change me. But it will also teach me how to lean on God in an ever-changing life. It is my burden to bear until heaven.
For now, I wanted to share my story in the hopes of helping others. I want to keep sharing what helps me and provide resources along the way. SO, if you need someone to talk to or just want to share your thoughts. Contact me.